[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MOCJzhiLyk]
Thank you Fox News. Seriously. I now know the reason for my self-involvement. Thank you. See, the thing is, I love myself and now everyone hates me.
It’s true. In my (correct) opinion, I am utterly, unequivocally fantastic. My size 13 feet are just large enough to touch the underside of the steering column and the floormat all at the same time making driving compact cars oh so serene (and safe). My legs are long enough to offer lumbar support to the passengers sitting in front of me on airlines. They also help manage my weight, because my knees keep my tray table from lowering, preventing me from indulging in salty airline snacks and calorie laden soft drinks. My arms. My glorious arms. They’ve reinvented fashion. Dress shirts used to be worn with sleeves to the base of the wrist. I, singlehandedly, have started the trend of rolling up sleeves to the elbow, cleverly masking the incompetence of clothiers and their inability to make a 38″ sleeve without an elephantine waist.
Yes, I am perfect, in every which way. For the longest time I struggled with others frowning at my self-confidence. The belief that I am special. Now I know I’m all wrong. My personal beliefs are merely the sadistic constructions of the devil reincarnate, Mr. Rogers. From his seedy blue sweaters to his uncharacteristically clean white-toed sneakers, he brainwashed me. Thanks to Fox News and their world-changing, fact-driven, vetted research, I now know the opinions of myself are all a hoax. I’m not special. I’m a freak. And now, with Fox News as my mentor, I can reconstruct the shattered shards of my fractured facade.